Okay. I know, I know. I've haven't wrote a blog post in about two months. And really, I don't have a good reason why. I've been busy. Really busy actually. I started dating my ex girlfriend again. She even moved in with me. And I had a lot going on with trying to get her settled in and trying to make that work. Which is odd within itself, because (and I know you might find this hard to believe) but I haven't lived with a woman since I was 19 years old. And that lasted about eight months. Yeah I know right? Crazy. But oh well.
Anyway. I know that some of my blog posts are funny. Some are serious. But they're always transparent. I want people to know what goes on in my life and how I manage to be a Dad in spite of it. That's why I do it for ya'll. I do it for me because its therapeutic. I don't drink often like I used to as a young man. I don't do hardcore drugs. And most of all, I normally don't talk to people about my issues. Because what I found is that while everyone has an opinion, talking about it in my blog is much better than talking to someone one on one. Because I can get the message out to everyone. I don't have to "trust" someone to keep what I said to them and then be disappointed when they don't. And when someone comments on the Facebook post and says something I don't want to hear, I just ignore you.
So today this is one is going to be transparent. Like Casper the Friendly Ghost transparent.
Like I said before, I don't have any hardcore vices like drugs, alcohol, or anything like that. My biggest demon and vice has been women. Not as I believe every woman that I've ever talked to has been a demon. I mean as dating multiple women has been my vice. Especially in the last few years after Kat died.
A few weeks ago, my girlfriend told me something that really blew my mind. She told me that ever since Kat died, that I've been lost. Lost as in, just floating through life, saying that I want a family and such, but just running through females in my life. And Kat died seven years ago. So for the last seven years, I would meet a woman, if she was dateable, then I would date her. Then I would find something that I didn't like, start talking to someone else while letting that relationship die on the vine, rinse, and repeat. In the meantime, I would have "friends with benefits" coming in and out of my life. Then I would reach back to exes that I broke up with while I was talking to someone else. And along the way, I didn't leave a trail of broken hearts, but of broken people.
Then to make matters worse, while my kids didn't meet every woman that I went on a date with. My kids have met more than their fair share. Because in my mind, I'm living in the moment. You don't realize that you're living in a cycle when you're just used to making right turns. So I go into the next relationship thinking that this woman could be the "one". And I get my kids geeked up about it. Just for the cycle to turn again and then we're back at square one. And they both deal with it in their own ways.
For Ayanna, she internalizes everything. She is truly my sister's niece. She's strong on the outside, but very much a scared little vulnerable 13 year old on the outside. She's the type that when things go bad, and I said, "It's over with so and so..." then she's the one that says "Ok". And goes about life to my face. But on the inside, its just another straw on the camel's back of life disappointments. Her Mom not being emotionally or physically available to her, straw on the back. Her Dad trying his damnedest to install a female in her life she can look up to, then say, "Welp she ain't the one" time and time again, another straw on the back. To her, there is no reason to open up to me about it, because why? If it's been like this for the last seven years, then that's half of her life. So, in her mind, why would she talk to me about it? She doesn't think it will change shit.
For Amanyi, its the opposite. Where as Ayanna doesn't show that she needs a "Mom" publicly. Amanyi, wears the hole in her heart on her sleeve. The women that she has met that I've dated, you can tell that she wants very much for that woman to be the "One". The one where she can do the things that she sees her friends do with their Moms. The woman who does her hair. Or takes her shopping. Or teaches her how to cook. Or plays dolls with her. When she scrapes her knee, someone to hold her and say, "Let me get you a bandaid". I do all of that shit, but it's different coming from me. I'm a Dad. My dynamic is different. And believe me, I wonder why God took Kat instead of me because there would be another single mother out there to coach Kat about how to handle being a single mom. But ain't no playbooks for single dads.
So the girls also told me that they wanted me to settle down. They didn't want me to keep dating girl after girl. They wanted me to settle down. When they told me that, I could see the pain and hurt in their eyes. And how they really wanted me to get off the cycle that I was on before. When your kids tell you that are messing up, then it hits you in a different way from anyone else telling you that. That shit cuts like a raggedy knife.
When my Mom died back in 2003, I was 25 years old. And I was lost in a similar way as well. I drank every night. I mean pass out drunk for about a year straight. Some days were better than others, but every day had a BAC associated with it. I was lost then too. Then after Ayanna was born, she gave me meaning to my life. But while I was going through those five years before I moved to Iowa, if you would have asked me how I was doing, I would have said, "I'm fine." Because you can't see yourself living in the hole until you look up and see the light and get out.
So I'm trying to get out of the hole now. My current relationship is rocky, at best, and I'm trying not to make the same mistakes I made before. I'm not reaching back to talk to exes. And I curved people that I was talking to before. But the mistakes I made the past are killing what we have now. And that's my fault. However, when we broke up the first time, I went full balls to the wall with dating. I was out there on dating sites, going on dates, meeting people, etc etc. But I was still broken, dealing with my demons, trying to find myself in someone else. And that didn't work. Now I realize I'm broke and I'm close to being single again. And it's easy to say, "Well just stop and do better this time." But you don't understand the struggle that goes on in my head. The fact that I'm probably more than halfway done with my life and the only woman that came close to a soulmate died seven years ago. But I don't want my kids to look at me with that some look of disappointment when shit don't work out again.
I had a really good friend tell me last night that my kids can forgive me for failing. But what they'll have a hard time forgiving me for is living in my failure. That shit hit home. Me and the girls are like CMB...We All We Got! (I had to get one movie reference in today!) And nothing that I've ever done in my life has brought me more happiness than being their Dad. And I'm sorry that I've failed them at times. But I want to be better and learn from my mistakes.
And to the women who read this blog post that I've hurt, I'm sorry that I broke you in my bad place. I'm sorry for the times I lied and cheated. I'm sorry that I my representative that you met was different from the person that you got in the end. I'm not saying this because I want anyone to come back in my life and try to see if I've really changed. I'm saying this because I need to apologize and be better. In that order. I'm not a male hoe. I wasn't raised like that. And if I could be half of the man that my Dad is, then I wouldn't be in this shit.
Read and discuss.