Hola! I know I been gone a while and I'm back again. I'm sorry. I've been going through a lot of stuff. Some of you who know me personally, know about the situations and the issues that I've been dealing with. For those who have supported me, and been there for me, I want to say "Thank you!" From the bottom of my heart. Please keep me in your prayers as I put my personal life back together.
I know this is the second blog post that I've wrote in a row which I was regretful about some shit. But I write this stuff because I'm transparent. When I said I don't have it all together, I'm not joking. But I know a lot of you are jacked up as well. So I don't want your sympathy, I just want you to see what I write and know that you ain't the only jacked up one. And I promise, the next blog post I write is going to be on some positive head space shit.
I wish I could say that the Devil has been busy in my life. That would be super churchy and I'm sure if I was tuned up in the right key, I could preach it pretty well. Church folks often give the Devil waaaaayyyyy too much credit for the negative stuff that goes on in their lives. And while I'm sure he appreciates the shout outs, normally, that ain't the case. The fact of the matter is that the issues I'm dealing with are 100% my own doing. They are based on the choices that I made in my life. I made the choices with all the best intentions in the world but that doesn't mean that I couldn't have made better ones. As they say, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.
So I'm channeling my inner Tribe Called Quest and going on an Award Tour. Except that this is an Apology Award Tour. And today, this blog post is the mic in my hand. Now I have reached out to some people personally and apologized for my actions. Some have forgiven me, and some haven't. And that's their right. One thing that God is showing me in this part of my life is that I'm not as great as I thought I was. And let me share with you all some lessons that I've learned the hard way:
1. YOU CANNOT FIT A SQUARE PEG THROUGH A ROUND HOLE. If something ain't fitting in your life, then stop trying to make it. What will end up happening is that you'll get frustrated, and that frustration will end up consuming your life. When you have as much misplaced self confidence in your life as I did, you think you can turn that square peg round like the Jedi Force. And bro, the Force is not THAT strong in me.
And my life was consumed trying to do that. I neglected friends and family trying to make this happen. My money suffered, my kids suffered, I lost weight (I don't recommend stress as a proper weight loss management system) and a whole of people who ain't never shit to me suffered as well.
2. IF GOD WANTS YOU TO MOVE FROM A SITUATION, YOU CAN EITHER MOVE THERE WILLINGLY, OR HE'LL MOVE YOU. And trust me, you don't want God to move you. There usually will be something dramatic that will have to happen for you to move out of a situation and while it may not be a flood that covers the Earth or fire raining from the sky, trust and believe me, it ain't gonna be pleasant.
And you know what, normally, God will send you people in your life to tell you to go right when you're packed and ready to go down the left path. God is kind of like the Student Loan collection people. (I know a lot of you all can relate to this) When you get behind in your payments, they'll send you some emails and some letters. If you don't respond and pay, then they'll start calling you at all times of the day of night to get your attention to pay. Then they'll jack up your credit so that you can't even buy a pack of gum on credit. Then when all that don't work, then they'll garnish your check until they get paid off. God is the same way, he is going to get you to the place He want you to be. The question is, do you want to answer his call on the first email or do you want to get garnished. This guy is getting garnished.
3. YOU CAN APOLOGIZE UNTIL YOU'RE BLUE IN THE FACE. BUT THAT DON'T MEAN THAT PEOPLE WILL FORGIVE YOU. Yeah, in this tour I get booed off stage. I get some hard words, raw feelings, and a big fat piece of humble pie. And they're right in a lot of cases. People don't have to forgive you for the fucked up shit you do. Sometimes, they just write you off and move on with life. Because obviously you've moved on with yours. Then when you show up when shit hits the fan, they look at you like, "Why didn't you realize this when you we're talking to me?" And you know what? I don't have a good validating answer for this one. The only answer is I was trying to do #1. And that my pride got in the way. I know it's a shitty answer. But it's the best one I have. Again, I'm thinking I can move mountains and I can't even move a cup with my mind.
So that's the lessons that I've learned. I want to thank my sisters for picking me up mentally when I was down. I want to thank my cousin for being Johnny on the spot when I needed him. I also want to thank someone else special (who knows who they are) for being there for me when I literally had no where to go.
Most of all, I want to thank my kids for always being in my corner and thinking the best of me. They can even be smart asses in their own way:
(Us driving home a couple of days ago)
Ayanna: "Daddy, we need to have a party."
Me: "A party for what? I don't have anything really to celebrate."
Ayanna: "Oh no. We need to have an I Told You So Party. We can invite all of the people who told you not to do this and you did it anyway."
Me: "What?"
Amanyi: "Yeah Daddy! We should have cake!!!"
Ayanna: "We can invite TT Lurlean, and TT Lisha, Anthony, and all your friends. And they can eat, I can make drinks (my 13 year old daughter makes a mean margarita, don't judge me)
Me: "Are you all serious? Really???"
Ayanna: "Yes Daddy, we dead serious."
Me: "Ya'll petty as hell."
Sooooo...who wanna come to my party?
Read and discuss.