You want to know the hardest thing about being a Single Parent? It's not the parenting. It's not money. It's not even your crazy Baby Momma or Baby Daddy who just can't let go...
..it's the single part.
The summer before Amanyi started Kindergarten, people would come up to her and ask, "Amanyi, are you excited to start school?" Amanyi, being a very smart and observant pre-k kid, would look at them and say, "I am, so my Daddy won't have to pay for day care anymore!"
Now, full confession, I hated paying for daycare with all of my fiber and being. However, her going to school was just another step in her growing up. Just part of my babies becoming young girls, and now turning into young women. I just wanted what every good parent wants. To raise good humans who are able to take care of themselves.
Halloween has just passed. And Facebook shows me pictures that I posted years ago, when they were babies dressed in their costumes. Man they were so cute!And I thought I would never miss braving cold temps and walking around "rich" neighborhoods trying to get candy. But shit, I fuckin miss those days now.
Ayanna, my oldest, is graduated from High School and she's working full time and going to school. Amanyi and Reni are in High School and they have their own lives and friends. Most nights, it's just me and the dog. And even he doesn't like to kick it too much unless I have food to give him.
Ten years ago, I was my kid's everything. They would try to even sneak in my bed and sleep in the same bed with me. And then they figured out that if I rolled over and I felt them in the bed, I would make them get back in their own beds. So they would lay all the way on the other side of the bed, just so they could be next to me. And the crazy part is that, I never thought those days would end. I thought I would be the most important person in my kids' lives. And to an extent, I still am. But I'm not the person that they want to spend time with the most.
As I look back on my life, I can honestly say some of the dumbest shit I've done has been out of loneliness. And that goes for women I've dated/messed with, friends, and just people in general. As a matter of fact, the reason that I kept the most toxic relationship I ever had going for as long as I did, was because I didn't want to "start over" again. Everyone told me to leave this woman. My friends, family, and the girls wanted me to bounce. I even told my Pastor what was going on, and even he told me to get up out of there. That's right, I even had Jesus' representative tell me that I should bounce of out there. And I still stayed. Smh.
Loneliness is a muthafucka.
I know some of you all don't believe in God, and all that. But whatever your higher power is, I believe that the reason why two people are there to raise a child together is not only to make sure the child is loved times two. But also to be there to support each other. To be with each other when those bittersweet milestones occur. When Ayanna graduated High School this year, I cried THE WHOLE FUCKIN' GRADUATION. I'm man enough to say it. I cried like someone had stole my candy. Ugly Jordan crying face. It was definitely not my most manliest moment. But after the graduation, after my Dad and Stepmom went back to the hotel, after my daughter went to celebrate with her friends. I was alone. And that sucked.
There are some of you single parents out there, who have absolutely no idea what you're going to do when your kids leave. It fucking terrorizes you. You tell everyone else, that you're ready for your kids to be grown and gone, but at the same time all you know is how to be a Mom or Dad. You've been a parent for so long, that you don't know who you are anymore outside of that. And the fact that at some point, you have to figure that out is scary as fuck. And the fact that you have to face the rest of your life alone is the root of all of that fear. There is not a chapter of how to deal with that in the Single Parent Handbook. And if you look back on your life, if you haven't made bad decisions based on that loneliness, then you are a better person that I am. But that don't mean that the issues aren't still there.
I obviously don't have all of the answers. This isn't a self help place. It's a place where I keep it real. And I can honestly say I have an idea of who I am outside of Ayanna, Amanyi, and Reni's Dad. But I'm not going to lie and say that I'm looking foward to tackling my loneliness issues. Because as my kids get older, there is only so much Netlflix I can watch, so much working I can do, and so much Xbox I can play before I look around before bedtime and realize...
...it's just me.
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