The Hate I Have
I really hate the Mother of my daughter.
And for the rest of this blog post, she shall be referred to as, "This Bitch".
Now, in a minute, I'm going to go through all of the reasons why I feel this way. And why I feel as if this is justified. However, let me lay down a couple of ground rules:
This is not something that I want to be prayed out of. I'm never going to get over this. A lot of you all might think, "Aww, that's not healthy." Or "You just have to release that and you'll be better." Or, "You see should a counselor." Nah homie, I want to keep this energy.
Some of you all who might know who she is personally might feel inclined to go run and tell her that I'm dedicating this to her. Well as the great prophet Martin Lawrence once said, "Run, tell dat." I would have put this in a Facebook post and made the shit public. However, I got a lot to say, and I have a whole website where I can say what the fuck I want. So here we be.
I have beautiful children. My oldest daughter, Ayanna, is everything that I wanted to be when I was 15. Where I was an awkward, nerdy, introverted mess of a teenager, she's beautiful, smart, outgoing, but yet humble and very personable. She doesn't realize how amazing she is. People tell me all of the time, "Wow, you have a teenage daughter? Good luck." And honestly, I'm glad that I don't really know what they're talking about. Yeah, we bump heads every once in a while. Yeah, there is the occasional teenage girl attitude that makes me want to choke her out. But all in all, I really do think that I've been blessed so far.
The main recurring issue that we have in our lives has to do with This Bitch. It's a cycle. The cycle is This Bitch will hurt her, then my daughter will be depressed, then she'll cut This Bitch off, then This Bitch will do or not do something to hurt my daughter, and we start over again. It started around middle school, when my daughter started to look around and realize that This Bitch wasn't doing the same things that other girls' Moms were doing. Let me list off some of the shortfalls:
In sixth grade, Ayanna had a show choir performance that she had practiced for months for. And she got all dressed up in the outfit, and she asked This Bitch to come. This Bitch didn't come because she had to "work" or whatever. Even though she knew about the event months in advance.
In seventh grade, Ayanna played basketball for her middle school and for a travel basketball team. This Bitch never came to any of her games. And in fact blamed me that I never told her any of the dates. However, she knew she played ball and never asked for any dates to come.
Recently, Ayanna had a Homecoming dance and she was upset because all the other Moms where doing Mom things with their daughters. And This Bitch was MIA because she was mad at her.
Now, according to This Bitch, my daughter is a spoiled ass brat. She feels as if she's a spoiled brat because I work my ass off to provide a firmly middle class life for my kids. My daughter has her own room, a TV, clothes, shoes, and I get her everything she needs and a lot of the stuff she wants. Yeah, she's super spoiled.
And my daughter feels as if This Bitch chooses men over her own daughter. Which, from the outside looking in, she does. What's more important? Mending your own relationship with your daughter, or trying to save your fucked up marriage with a nigga who goes between you and his Princess Fiona looking ass Baby Mom? (Again, for the people who actually know the people I'm talking about, please find the lie.)
But the real reason why I hate This Bitch is the way she makes my daughter feel. She makes her feel like shit. She makes her feel like she is unworthy of love. This Bitch makes my daughter want to hurt herself. Shit being a teenager is hard enough. Being a teenage girl is amazingly hard. But to be a teenage girl when you feel as if your own fucking Mom doesn't want you? When you feel as if you Mom would rather chase dick than be in your life? When you look around at all of the other Moms, and you cannot figure out for the fucking life of you, what it is about you to causes your Mom to not love you?
That is why I hate This Bitch. \
I've tried to be there for my daughter. We've seen counselors. I pray for her daily. I've told her the best advice I can give her. That she has to choose to accept This Bitch the way she is, or she has to leave her alone. But God damn, why do I have to tell a 15 year old girl that she has to accept that her Mom is a piece of shit? Why can't she just get right? Why can't she put her fucking pride to the side, say, "Hey I fucked up but I want to do better." And actually do better? I mean, your fucking child's life depends on it. I mean, shit, I ain't perfect. I've failed my children in situations. I ain't got it all together. But fuck, I've been there for my girls.
I'm writing this shit because I know that some of you are going through this same shit. And I'm sure that some of you are more mature than me. Some of you deal with this better than I do. But you know the hate I feel. It creeps up in you every time you see the disappointment in your child's face when the other parents fails them again, again, and again. And you wish that you would have chose the other parent better. That if you knew now what you knew before, then you would have probably worn a condom or made him wear a condom. But if you did that, then you wouldn't have this amazing human being living with you who amazes you everyday.
I told my daughter once that she is like the rose who grew through concrete. She's beautiful but she has damaged petals. But she's still a rose. Still beautiful.
But my hate is real. And it's not the hate where I wish death on someone. That would be the worst thing to happen. Because then she would never have the opportunity to make things right. And the hurt would never go away in my daughter. No, my hate is for the simple fact that This Bitch has the ability to change the narrative and breathe life in her daughter and she just chooses fucking not to do it. It's everyone else's fault but hers. And there's no talking to her because it's like talking to a brick wall. And every fucking day me and my daughter live in this vicious fucking cycle.
I own this hate. It is mine and it will always be here.
Read and discuss.